1. George W. Bush
Author, Iraq: A Million Little Pieces
NOTE: The White House asked AHOY not to publish the following, arguing that it could jeopardize continuing efforts. After meeting with senior administration officials to hear their concerns, AHOY delayed publication for a year.
Fact: George has directed the National Security Administration to watch what certain Americans say and do!
Fact: George has a 35-page plan to achieve total victory in Iraq!
Fact: Some of George’s AHOY votes may have come from federal agents seeking to infiltrate this dark and mysterious hate cult!
Fact: George forbids the torture of terrorists, unless they practically beg for it!
Fact: George’s wife, Laura, is a "desperate housewife!"
Fact: Voices inside liquor bottles occasionally shout at George, "Whose son did you kill today?" and, "Over here, amigo, I’m your only true friend!"
Fact: George has fine-tuned the Department of Homeland Security into an efficient governmental machine, capable of turning out "one heck of a job!"
Fact: George was Texas' "best governor ever," according to top legal scholar Harriet Miers!
Fact: George plans to devote his second term to reforming Social Security!
Fact: Thanks to his workout regime, George is the most physically fit world leader in the world!
Fact: George wisely avoids newspapers and magazines, which would only piss him off!
And web sites, too, we hope? Congratulations to George, a three-time AHOY!
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