9. Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
"Kids. They blow up so fast."
Fact: To help bring about a better world, Abu often murders scores of innocent bystanders!
Fact: The U.S. has a $25 million bounty on Abu, and they've printed his wanted poster on matchbooks! (Pictured)
Fact: A high school drop-out, Abu is not working on his G.E.D!
Fact: In Afghanistan, Abu worked as a reporter!
Fact: Abu specializes in poisons and explosives!
Fact: Before the Iraq War, Abu was a rival of Osama bin Laden, who now calls him "the prince of al Qaeda in Iraq!"
Fact: To show he means business, Abu sometimes beheads hostages!
Fact: Prior to the war, the Bush administration vetoed three Pentagon requests to attack Abu’s Iraqi camps, fearing it would undermine the push for a full-scale invasion!
Fact: In 2003, President Bush thought Abu had only one leg!
Fact: Abu has been reported dead at least five times!
Fact: Abu is believed single and not dating!
Fact: Abu is always looking for qualified replacement suicide bombers!
And AHOY is always looking for qualified assholes like Abu!