2. Dick Cheney Five deferments, four heart attacks, two DWIs Silver Medal • 616 Points

Fact: Dick won five separate deferments to avoid military service!

Fact: At age 21, Dick twice pleaded guilty to DWI!

Fact: Dick married his high school sweetheart, Lynne, whom he met at age 14!

Fact: In Congress, Dick voted against making Martin Luther King’s birthday a national holiday, then four years later voted for it.

Fact: From 1995 until 2000, Dick served as Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Haliburton, a Fortune 500 company!

Fact: While CEO of Haliburton, Dick upped the number of its offshore tax-free subsidiaries from 9 to 44, and the company went from paying $302 million in taxes to being refunded $85 million!

Fact: Dick has had four heart attacks!

Fact: After Dick was asked by George W. Bush to head his Vice-Presidential search committee, he jumped at the chance!

Fact: Dick is known as a "hands-on" Vice President!

Fact: Dick’s net worth, thanks to Haliburton, is estimated at up to $100 million.

Fact: Dick enjoys duck-hunting with Tony Scalia!

Fact: While Dick was performing a Hurricane Katrina photo op in Gulfport, Mississippi (pictured), local resident Dr. Ben Marble called out to him, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney. Go fuck yourself, you asshole!" Military police handcuffed and detained Dr. Marble!

Fact: For three hours in 2002, while George W. Bush had a colonoscopy, Dick was Acting President of the United States!

And if for some reason the reigning AHOY cannot complete his or her one-year term, first-runner up Dick will assume the office of Acting AHOY!