A.H.O.Y. 2005

1. George W. BushAuthor, Iraq: A Million Little Pieces 863 Points

2006-01-31T21:01:00.000-05:00

NOTE: The White House asked AHOY not to publish the following, arguing that it could jeopardize continuing efforts. After meeting with senior administration officials to hear their concerns, AHOY delayed publication for a year.

Fact: George has directed the National Security Administration to watch what certain Americans say and do!

Fact: George has a 35-page plan to achieve total victory in Iraq!

Fact: Some of George’s AHOY votes may have come from federal agents seeking to infiltrate this dark and mysterious hate cult!

Fact: George forbids the torture of terrorists, unless they practically beg for it!

Fact: George’s wife, Laura, is a "desperate housewife!"

Fact: Voices inside liquor bottles occasionally shout at George, "Whose son did you kill today?" and, "Over here, amigo, I’m your only true friend!"

Fact: George has fine-tuned the Department of Homeland Security into an efficient governmental machine, capable of turning out "one heck of a job!"

Fact: George was Texas' "best governor ever," according to top legal scholar Harriet Miers!

Fact: George plans to devote his second term to reforming Social Security!

Fact: Thanks to his workout regime, George is the most physically fit world leader in the world!

Fact: George wisely avoids newspapers and magazines, which would only piss him off!

And web sites, too, we hope? Congratulations to George, a three-time AHOY!
Click To Pray For The AHOY! • Kids Can Pray For The AHOY, Too!

2. Dick Cheney Five deferments, four heart attacks, two DWIs Silver Medal • 616 Points

2006-01-31T00:00:00.000-05:00

Fact: Dick won five separate deferments to avoid military service!

Fact: At age 21, Dick twice pleaded guilty to DWI!

Fact: Dick married his high school sweetheart, Lynne, whom he met at age 14!

Fact: In Congress, Dick voted against making Martin Luther King’s birthday a national holiday, then four years later voted for it.

Fact: From 1995 until 2000, Dick served as Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Haliburton, a Fortune 500 company!

Fact: While CEO of Haliburton, Dick upped the number of its offshore tax-free subsidiaries from 9 to 44, and the company went from paying $302 million in taxes to being refunded $85 million!

Fact: Dick has had four heart attacks!

Fact: After Dick was asked by George W. Bush to head his Vice-Presidential search committee, he jumped at the chance!

Fact: Dick is known as a "hands-on" Vice President!

Fact: Dick’s net worth, thanks to Haliburton, is estimated at up to $100 million.

Fact: Dick enjoys duck-hunting with Tony Scalia!

Fact: While Dick was performing a Hurricane Katrina photo op in Gulfport, Mississippi (pictured), local resident Dr. Ben Marble called out to him, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney. Go fuck yourself, you asshole!" Military police handcuffed and detained Dr. Marble!

Fact: For three hours in 2002, while George W. Bush had a colonoscopy, Dick was Acting President of the United States!

And if for some reason the reigning AHOY cannot complete his or her one-year term, first-runner up Dick will assume the office of Acting AHOY!

3. Michael D. Brown Hack of a jobBronze Medal • 389 Points

2006-01-30T00:02:00.000-05:00

Fact: Michael is known to pals as "Brownie!"

Fact: As chairman of the Oklahoma Municipal Power Authority, Brownie helped build the Michael D. Brown Hydroelectric Power Plant and Dam!

Fact: Before joining the Department of Homeland Security, Brownie was Judges and Stewards Commissioner for the International Arabian Horse Association!

Fact: As Judges and Stewards Commissioner for the International Arabian Horse Association, Brownie led the fight against horse cosmetic surgery!

Fact: Before Hurricane Katrina hit, Brownie had planned to quit the Federal Emergency Management Agency anyway!

Fact: Shortly after Katrina came ashore, FEMA's only employee in New Orleans e-mailed Brownie to say, "Sir, I know that you know the situation is past critical...many will die." And Brownie replied: "Thanks for the update. Anything specific I need to do or tweak?"

Fact: While Katrina was destroying New Orleans, Brownie was asking co-workers in e-mails if he should roll up his shirtsleeves to look better in photographs!

Fact: Five hours after Katrina hit, Brownie made his first request for FEMA rescue workers to report for two days of training required before their deployment to the disaster area!

Fact: Brownie resigned from FEMA out of "the best interest of the agency and best interest of the president!"

Fact: Brownie is now a consultant for FEMA!

Brownie, you are a heck of an AHOY!

4. Karl Rove Hide and leak310 Points

2006-01-27T00:11:00.000-05:00

Fact: Karl’s middle name is Christian!

Fact: Karl emphatically denies having committed any illegal acts!

Fact: At age 9, Karl supported Richard Nixon!

Fact: Growing up in Salt Lake City, Karl used "unorthodox tactics" to be elected high school student council president!

Fact: Working for a GOP candidate in 1970, Karl sneaked into Democratic headquarters, stole letterhead sheets, printed offensive fliers under the rival candidate’s name and distributed them!

Fact: Once, in a training seminar for GOP strategists, Karl told the group how to root through Democrats’ garbage for dirty laundry. Unfortunately, some sneaky bastard taped the speech!

Fact: Karl has been married twice!

Fact: Karl was fired from the 1980 Bush vice presidential campaign after planting a negative story with syndicated columnist Robert Novak!

Fact: Karl was fired from the 1992 Bush re-election campaign after planting a negative story with syndicated columnist Robert Novak!

Fact: In the 2000 South Carolina primary, Karl’s push poll asked residents, "Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for John McCain for president if you knew he had fathered an illegitimate black child?"

Fact: U.S. President and AHOY finalist George W. Bush calls Karl "the architect" of his 2004 re-election!

Fact: Karl topped Barbara Walters’ list of Most Fascinating People of 2004!

Fact: Fourth-place Karl this year earned more AHOY points (310) than last year's winner, Donald Rumsfeld(258)!

Fact: Karl suffered a painful kidney stone last September, causing him to miss some White House PR strategy sessions on Hurricane Katrina!

But no pain was severe enough make Karl miss the AHOY Top 5!

5. Tom Cruise The Phantom Of The Oprah254 Points

2006-01-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

Fact: Tom was born in Syracuse, NY!

Fact: Before becoming an actor, Tom wanted to be a priest!

Fact: Three times -- in 1990, 1991 and 1997 -- Tom was rated one of The 50 Most Beautiful People by People Magazine!

Fact: Tom left Nicole Kidman when she was three months pregnant!

Fact: Tom proposed to Katie Holmes atop the Eiffel Tower!

Fact: Tom has inspired the phrase "jumping the couch," defined by Urban Dictionary as "A defining moment when you know someone has gone off the deep end. Inspired by Tom Cruise's recent behavior on Oprah."

Fact: Tom has threatened to sue people who suggest he is gay! AHOY is suggesting no such thing!

Fact: Tom is said to have attained one of the Scientology’s top levels: Operating Thetan Seven!

Fact: Tom has attained a top height of 5 feet 9 inches, not 5 feet 7 inches, as has been incorrectly reported!

Not to worry, Tom! In the eyes of AHOY, you're 10 feet tall!

Who will wear the crown? One of YOUR FIVE FINALISTS! In alphabetical order:

2006-01-25T01:19:00.000-05:00

Michael D. Brown
A virtual unknown until Hurricane Katrina, Michael, 51, surfed waves of destruction, incompetence and public indignation to the front pages--and maybe the history books! This is his first visit to AHOY, and we wish him ‘smooth sailing!’ Way to go, Brownie!

President George W. Bush
When this two-time AHOY winner is not winning a war, searching for new oil, changing the Supreme Court or working out, he’s secretly listening to the hopes and dreams of his fellow Americans! Which reminds us: no matter how you feel about him, this is the greatest country in the world!

Vice President Dick Cheney
If George Bush has the smile, this perennial AHOY high-hitter has the sneer! Dick Cheney is the gold-standard! A five-deferment, double-DWI, corporate welfare millionaire with the best health insurance on earth, The Veeper spouts obscenities, condemns critics and runs America!

Tom Cruise
From his Days of Thunder on Oprah’s couch to the Risky Business of lecturing Matt Lauer, Tom in 2005 brought his personal Mission Impossible to AHOY! Having made All the Right Moves, the Vanilla Sky is the limit for this Hollywood superstar!

Karl Rove
If Bush and Cheney cancel each other out like Newman and Redford did for Butch Cassidy, look for this crafty native Utahn to swoop in and grab the top prize!

One of these white American men will be your next AHOY! Tomorrow: learn the name of the fourth runner up, as we launch...

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

6. Tom DeLay Goldmember246 Points

2006-01-24T02:10:00.000-05:00

Fact: Tom is called "The Hammer!"

Fact: The Hammer has been charged with money laundering!

Fact: The Hammer looked happy in his police mug shot! (Pictured)

Fact: The Hammer was kicked out of Baylor University for excessive drinking!

Fact: In 1988, The Hammer said he tried to join the Army Reserve during the Vietnam war, but all the open slots were taken by minorities!

Fact: The Hammer to three children at a Hurricane Katrina emergency shelter: “Now tell me the truth, boys, is this kind of fun?”

Fact: Before entering politics, The Hammer ran a pest extermination company!

Fact: During his time on the Texas legislature, The Hammer was an alcoholic!

Fact: The Hammer is a born-again Christian!

Fact: The Hammer is the first House leader in 100 years to be indicted!

Fact: As a GOP House Whip, The Hammer liked to "primary" fellow Republicans who resisted his suggestions!

Fact: Over the last four years, The Hammer’s wife and daughter earned $500,000 in fees from Tom's political-action and campaign committees!

DEMOCRATS, DEMOCRATS!

A poem comprised of real quotations from Tom DeLay’s speeches.

Democrats cry fraud and corruption every election.

Democrats would rather gripe than govern.

Democrats have no one to blame but themselves.

Democrats hate the president.

Democrats won't admit that there is a problem.

Democrats have hurled relentless personal attacks at me.

Democrats have decided to put their heads in the sand.

Democrats have so far cost Mrs. Schiavo two meals.

We have witnessed the Democrats at their ugliest.

And in The Hammer, we are witnessing AHOY at its greatest!

7. Bill O'Reilly How The Grinch Saved Christmas 222 Points

2006-01-24T00:04:00.000-05:00

Fact: On his nightly TV show, Bill delivers hard, "no-spin" views and interviews!

Fact: Bill denies being a conservative!

Fact: In 2000, Bill quickly changed his voter registration from Republican to independent after reporters made inquiries!

Fact: Bill was punter for the Marist College football team!

Fact: Bill has anchored TV news and weather in Scranton, Dallas, Denver, Portland (Oregon), Hartford, Boston and New York City!

Fact: Bill is happily married with two children!

Fact: When it comes to the ladies, Bill is a breast man!

Fact: Once, while describing a lusty shower fantasy to a young assistant, Bill embarrassingly confused a Middle Eastern lunch treat, the falafel, with a coarse variety of sponge, the lufa!

Fact: Bill has often falsely claimed to have won two Peabody Awards!

Fact: Bill has called the ACLU "the most dangerous organization in America!"

Fact: Bill has called anti-war activist/war mother Cindy Sheehan a "coward!"

Fact: Whenever he can, Bill bravely speaks out in favor of Christmas!

And we’re sure Bill has the courage to be a top AHOY!

8. Donald Rumsfeld, "Heck of a job Rummy!" 194 Points

2006-01-24T00:03:00.000-05:00

Fact: Rummy is 72 years young!

Fact: Rummy was an Eagle Scout!

Fact: In 1980, Rummy was named "Outstanding Chief Executive Officer in the Pharmaceutical Industry!"

Fact: In the mid 1990s, Rummy and his colleague Dick Cheney co-founded The Project for the New American Century, whose goal was to "promote American global leadership!"

Fact: In 2000, The Project for the New American Century proposed invading Iraq!

Fact: In 2003, Rummy's crack invasion took Baghdad in less than a month, with few U.S. casualties!

Fact: Rummy no longer uses an automatic pen to sign letters to the families of fallen soldiers!

Fact: Rummy won Asshole of the Year in 2004!

Fact: Rummy speaks in poetic verse! He composed this piece Dec. 8 on The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer:

A CHALLENGE TO YOU, MR. REPORTER

I'm not in your business.

I don't walk in your shoes.

I don't know how tough it is.

It has to be tough.

But all I know is that

There are 150,000 troops over there

Who keep asking me,

What in the world is going on?

AHOY says 'Amen,' Rummy!

9. Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi "Kids. They blow up so fast." 145 Points

2006-01-24T00:02:00.000-05:00

Fact: To help bring about a better world, Abu often murders scores of innocent bystanders!

Fact: The U.S. has a $25 million bounty on Abu, and they've printed his wanted poster on matchbooks! (Pictured)

Fact: A high school drop-out, Abu is not working on his G.E.D!

Fact: In Afghanistan, Abu worked as a reporter!

Fact: Abu specializes in poisons and explosives!

Fact: Before the Iraq War, Abu was a rival of Osama bin Laden, who now calls him "the prince of al Qaeda in Iraq!"

Fact: To show he means business, Abu sometimes beheads hostages!

Fact: Prior to the war, the Bush administration vetoed three Pentagon requests to attack Abu’s Iraqi camps, fearing it would undermine the push for a full-scale invasion!

Fact: In 2003, President Bush thought Abu had only one leg!

Fact: Abu has been reported dead at least five times!

Fact: Abu is believed single and not dating!

Fact: Abu is always looking for qualified replacement suicide bombers!

And AHOY is always looking for qualified assholes like Abu!

10. Terrell Owens There's no 'T.O.' in 'team.' 140 Points

2006-01-24T00:01:00.000-05:00

Fact: Terrell’s nickname is T.O., and his middle name is Eldorado!

Fact: As a child, T.O. was denied the opportunity to watch TV in his spare time!

Fact: In early 2005, Camile Paglia said T.O. has "rescued Philadelphia" and "brought glamour and glitz and an electrifying jolt of good vibrations to the city!"

Fact: T.O. once celebrated a touchdown by pulling a Sharpie from his sock, signing the football, then handing it to his accountant!

Fact: In a Playboy interview, T.O. hinted that San Francisco QB Jeff Garcia was gay!

Fact: This year T.O. earned more AHOY points than Osama bin Laden!

Fact: In 2004, T.O.'s Eagles jersey was the NFL’s biggest seller!

Fact: T.O. was named the stupidest player in NFL history by Fox Sports!

Cheer up, T.O.! You’re the smartest NFL player on this year’s AHOY!

11. Osama bin Laden The real war on Christmas 138 Points

2006-01-23T00:05:00.000-05:00

Fact: Osama was the middle kid in a litter of 55!

Fact: Osama’s pop was married 10 times, but never to more than four wives at once--because that’s the law!

Fact: Osama’s first wife was his first cousin!

Fact: Beanpole Osama is 6 feet 4, but weighs just 160!

Fact: Osama’s terror pals have dubbed him "the Director!"

Fact: Osama will blow out 49 candles on his birthday cake in March!

And let AHOY wish you an early happy birthday, Mr. Director! We have your gift picked out: Your personal Predator Drone Hellfire Missile!

12. Pat Robertson Who would Jesus kill? 134 Points

2006-01-23T00:04:00.000-05:00

Fact: Pat’s real name is Marion! He chose "Pat" because it has a certain ring.

Fact: Marion once threatened to sue NBC News for labeling him a "television evangelist!"

Fact: Marion traces his bloodline back to presidents William Henry Harrison and Benjamin Harrison, and Winston Churchill! His dad was a U.S. Senator!

Fact: During the Korean War, military man Marion was assigned the duty of making sure the officers’ clubs had enough liquor!

Fact: When Marion ran for president, he vowed to eliminate the departments of Education and Energy!

Fact: Three times, Marion has claimed to have steered hurricanes away from his Virginia home through the power of his prayers!

Fact: In 2005, Marion led a 21-day national campaign to pray for future vacancies on the U.S. Supreme Court!

Fact: At various times, Marion has said his IQ is 159, 139 and 137!

That makes Mario--er, Pat, the smartest television evangel--er, preacher on this year’s AHOY list!

13. Michael Jackson We're starting to think Billie Jean's kid couldn't possibly have been your son. 133 Points

2006-01-23T00:03:00.000-05:00

Fact: Michael’s Thriller is the best-selling album of all time!

Fact: Michael was voted "Artist of The Millennium" by the World Music Awards!

Fact: Some of Michael’s hits include Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough, Black or White, Smooth Criminal, Bad, P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) and I Can’t Help It!

Fact: The godparents of Michael’s kids are Macaulay Culkin and Liz Taylor!

Fact: One day, Michael attended his molestation trial in pajamas! (Pictured)

Fact: Michael was acquitted of child sex abuse charges!

Fact: Michael now lives in Bahrain and is said to have converted to Islam!

Fact: Surgeons deny that Michael’s nose is melting!

But nobody can deny Michael’s popularity in AHOY!

14. Saddam Hussein "I’m out of order? YOU'RE out of order! This COURT is out of order!" 132 Points

2006-01-23T00:02:00.000-05:00

Fact: Saddam, in Arabic, means "one who confronts!"

Fact: After he was born, Saddam's mom threw herself in front of a bus!

Fact: Saddam was captured in Operation: Red Dawn!

Fact: Prison photos of Saddam in his underwear appeared in newspapers owned by Rupert Murdoch!

Fact: Saddam married his favorite of three wives after "convincing" her husband to allow a divorce!

Fact: Saddam’s late son, Uday, was named "Journalist of the Century" by the Iraqi Union of Journalists!

Fact: Saddam is credited with many technological advances in genocide!

And 1990 first-place AHOY Saddam deserves all the credit he gets!

15. Ann CoulterThin argument 130 Points

2006-01-23T00:01:00.000-05:00

Fact: Ann claims she didn't read her Time profile because, on the cover, "my feet are the size of the Atlantic Ocean, and my head is the size of a tiny little ant!"

Fact: Ann’s driver’s license shaves two years off her age!

Fact: While in school, Ann wore fur coats to class, even in hot weather!

Fact: Ann was part of the legal team that won $151,000 for Paula Jones and $600,000 in fees!

Fact: Ann is always in danger of being hit with a pie!

Fact: Ann is a big fan of the rock group, The Grateful Dead!

Fact: Ann’s lanky frame suggests that she suffers from a genetic disorder!

And people who hate Ann's lanky guts suggest that she's a top 20 AHOY!

16. Condoleezza RiceThese boots were made for waterboardin' 127 Points

2006-01-20T01:31:00.000-05:00

Fact: "Condoleezza" in Italian means "with sweetness!"

Fact: Doctor Rice was a child genius!

Fact: Forbes Magazine calls Doctor Rice the world’s most powerful woman!

Fact: Doctor Rice hopes to someday run the National Football League!

Fact: Doctor Rice once referred to President Bush as her "husband!"

And we refer to Doctor Rice as Doctor AHOY!

17. Judith Miller The Emancipation Of Mimi 120 Points

2006-01-20T01:15:00.000-05:00

Fact: Judy is a graduate of Hollywood High School!

Fact: Judy’s talent agent dad, Bill Miller, brought Elvis to Las Vegas!

Fact: For several summers, Judy shared a Maryland beach house with the family of Arthur Ochs Sulzberger Jr., son of the publisher of the Times!

Fact: Judy’s stories on Iraq helped the Bush administration justify going to war!

Fact: While in jail, Judy received a letter from I. Lewis Libby (#40)! It ended with these words:

You went to jail in the summer. It is fall now. Out West, where you vacation, the aspens will already be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work - and life -

- And AHOY!

18. Bob Novak Political anal-ist 84 Points

2006-01-20T01:05:00.000-05:00

Fact: Bob was once a lieutenant in the U.S. Army!

Fact: Bob, a converted Catholic, is believed to be a member of the Opus Dei sect!

Fact: Bob’s stories twice have gotten Karl Rove fired from political jobs, both times for dishing dirt!

Fact: Bob’s son Alex is marketing director for the Swift Boat Veterans’ publisher!

Fact: In 2005, Bob uttered the word "bullshit" on a live CNN broadcast before storming off the set! (Pictured)

Fact: Bob is known as The Prince of Darkness!

And now Bob is also known as a Prince of AHOY!

19. Paris Hilton More like Trenton Ramada 77 Points

2006-01-20T00:02:00.000-05:00

Fact: Paris inspired the word "celebutante!"

Fact: Paris is related to both Zsa Zsa Gabor and Liz Taylor!

Fact: Paris expects to inherit $50 million!

Fact: Paris has gotten her G.E.D!

Fact: Paris’ greatest commercial success is 1 Night in Paris, her sex video with Rick Salomon! She sued to stop it, then settled for $400,000 and part of the profits!

Fact: In 2004, Paris helped lead the Vote or Die registration campaign until it came out that she had not registered to vote!

Fact: Paris will release her debut singing album this year!

Fact: Paris’ favorite expression is, "That's hot!"

And now Paris can say, "AHOY is hot!"

20. Ray Nagin The Bald Easy 70 Points

2006-01-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

Fact: Ray’s real first name is Clarence!

Fact: Before running for mayor as a Democrat, Clarence was a lifelong Republican and worked as a general manager for Cox Communications!

Fact: Clarence has an M.B.A!

Fact: As mayor of New Orleans, Clarence has been instrumental in cracking down on corruption among city taxi drivers!

Congratulations, Clarence! A flood surge of votes lifted you to elite AHOY status!

21. Bill Frist Dr. Jekyll & Senator Hyde 48 Points

2006-01-19T00:05:00.000-05:00

Fact: While in medical school, Bill adopted cats from animal shelters and killed them for research--acts he now deplores!

Fact: After his ouster as Senate majority leader, Trent Lott accused Bill of "personal betrayal!"

Fact: In December 2003, Frist and coauthor Shirley Wilso released Good People Beget Good People: A Genealogy of the Frist Family, to lukewarm reviews!

Fact: Bill is married to a former flight attendant!

Fact: In 2005, Bill sold all his stock in the family's Hospital Corporation of America--valued at $7 million to $35 million--two weeks before it reported poor earnings and fell by 15 percent!

But Bill’s stock in AHOY is still rising. Welcome, Bill!

22. Ashlee Simpson Congrats on your comeback! Time for your goback! 68 Points

2006-01-19T00:04:00.000-05:00

Fact: Ashlee suffers painful acid reflux!

Fact: As a child, Ashlee appeared on an episode of "Malcolm in the Middle!"

Fact: Ashlee is a blonde!

Fact: Ashlee categorically denies stealing Wilmer Valderrama from Lindsay Lohan!

Fact: Ashlee was caught on tape drunkenly berating a McDonald’s employee!

Little sister, don't let nobody keep you from your Big N Tasty® with Cheese, Large Fries, Large Sprite®, and Apple Dippers With Low Fat Caramel Dip! AHOY voters say, "We're Lovin' It!®"

23. Kevin Federline My Name Is Earl66 Points

2006-01-19T00:03:00.000-05:00

Fact: Kevin's middle name really is Earl!

Fact: Kevin prefers to be called "K-Fed!"

Fact: K-Fed plans to get his G.E.D!

Fact: Before marrying Britney Spears, K-Fed fathered two sons with another woman!

Fact: Under his prenuptial agreement, K-Fed reportedly will get $300,000 for every year the marriage lasts!

Fact: On New Year’s Eve, K-Fed released his first single, PopoZão," which goes like this:

In Portuguese it means bring your ass
On the floor and move it real fast
I wanna see your kitty and a little bitta titty
Wanna know where I go when I'm in your city
Girl, don't you worry about all the dough
Cuz a cat is coming straight outta the know
Ready rock them shows all the ...
Bring that Brazil booty on the floor
Up, down, all around
Work that shit to this funky sound
Wanna see what I'm gonna owe
Po, Po, Po, Po, PopoZao, PopoZao (Repeat)

Yo, K-Fed! Aho, Aho, Aho, AHOY, AHOY!

24. Rush LimbaughTalent On Loan From Pfizer 66 Points

2006-01-19T00:02:00.000-05:00

Fact: Rush started in radio at his dad’s station!

Fact: In the '70s, Rush deejayed in Pittsburgh as Jeff Christie (pictured)!

Fact: Rush couldn’t join the military because of a cyst on his rear!

Fact: After the publication of the best-seller Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot, Rush lost 110 pounds!

Fact: Rush is dating CNN anchor Daryn Kagan, but this week, the New York Daily News reported that the couple is "on the rocks!"

Fact: The grand jury has yet to file drug charges against Rush!

Mega-dittos from AHOY, O all-seeing, all-knowing Rushimo!

25. Arnold Schwarzenegger Single term-inator 61 Points

2006-01-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

Fact: Arnold learned discipline from his dad, a Nazi storm-trooper!

Fact: Arnold learned how to operate an M-47 Patton tank in the Austrian Army!

Fact: While Mr. Universe, Arnold enjoyed sex orgies featuring cocaine and marijuana!

Fact: Arnold has accepted more campaign contributions than any politician in California history!

Fact: For years, The National Enquirer paid a former actress to keep quiet about her love affair with Arnold, which began when she was 16!

Arnold weighs 210 pounds, but he’s got a ton of support in AHOY!

26. Barry Bonds Crutch hitter 48 Points

2006-01-18T00:05:00.000-05:00

Fact: Barry loves to rub himself with "flaxseed oil!"

Fact: Barry is tied with Manny Ramirez for the second-highest salary in baseball!

Fact: Barry is an avid golfer with a 10 handicap!

Fact: Barry has never failed a drug test!

And he'll never fail to rank in the AHOY!

27. Howard Stern He stuck by his principles for only $500,000,00055 points

2006-01-18T00:04:00.000-05:00

Fact: Howard dislikes the phrase "shock jock!"

Fact: Howard once had phone sex with a woman on the air!

Fact: Howard supported George Pataki for New York governor!

Fact: In many markets, Howard is being replaced by David Lee Roth!

But nobody will replace Howard in the hearts of AHOY!

28. Jerry Falwell Altar Ego 54 Points

2006-01-18T00:03:00.000-05:00

Fact: Jerry has a fraternal twin named Gene!

Fact: When Jerry’s Liberty University needed money, it turned to the One True Messiah Himself, Rev. Sun Myung Moon!

Fact: Jerry often urges his followers to pray for Hustler publisher Larry Flynt!

Fact: Jerry doesn’t trust purse-carrying Teletubby Tinky Winky!

But AHOY trusts Jerry to always make the A-List!

29. Nancy Grace Special Persecutor 51 Points

2006-01-18T00:02:00.000-05:00

Fact: Nancy’s web site boasts that she hosts "television's only justice-themed interview debate show!"

Fact: Nancy is a devotee of Shakespearean literature!

Fact: During her days as a prosecutor, Nancy once conducted an illegal search of a suspect’s house with a CNN camera crew!

The verdict is in, Nancy! AHOY!

30. Drew Rosenhaus KAOS Agent 47 Points

2006-01-18T00:01:00.000-05:00

Fact: Drew inspired client Terrell Owens to sit out the NFL season and kill his team’s chances to make the Super Bowl!

Fact: Asked in a news conference what he did for Owens other than get him kicked off the team, Drew quipped, "Next question!"

Fact: Drew says Miami girls are hotter than their counterparts at Duke!

Fact: In 2005 Drew performed CPR to save a 4-year-old boy pulled unconscious from a swimming pool--and he still managed to crack The AHOY Hot 30!

AHOY is drowning in scorn for Drew!

31. Barbara Bush I Am The Walrus 48 Points

2006-01-17T03:23:00.000-05:00

Fact: Bar says she and hubby George H. W. Bush "love every living human!"

Fact: Bar has never held a job!

Fact: Servants say Bar can bite your head off and spit it through the wall!

Fact: Last year, Bar marveled at how well the U.S. government treated poor people hurt by Hurricane Katrina!

And we marvel at how well AHOY is treating America’s First Grandma!

32. Dan Rather Made Katie Couric look like a trade-up 47 Points

2006-01-17T02:25:00.000-05:00

Fact: Dan was born on Halloween!

Fact: Dan was first on TV to call John F. Kennedy's death!

Fact: Dictator Saddam Hussein wanted Dan to referee a live TV debate between himself and George W. Bush!

Fact: Dan calls California "The Big Burrito!"

Courage, Dan! AHOY calls you "The Big #32!"

33. Lindsay Lohan She’s not the only one throwing up 46 Points

2006-01-17T02:23:00.000-05:00

Fact: Lindsay, who started modeling at age three, has "triple threat" tools voice, body and face like her idol, Ann-Margaret!

Fact: While a regular on the TV show Another World, Lindsay set a record for most lines delivered on a daytime soap by a 10-year-old!

Fact: Lindsay and Hilary Duff both dated Aaron Carter!

Fact: Lindsay lost so much weight last year that she lamented, "I want my boobs back!"

Congrats on rebuilding those boobs, Lindsay! With AHOY, you’ll always stand firm!

34. Hillary Clinton Geena Davis has nothing to worry about 42 Points

2006-01-17T00:11:00.000-05:00

Fact: Hillary was 1983 Arkansas Woman of the Year!

Fact: Hillary used to sit on the board of directors for Wal-Mart!

Fact: Some theorists believe Hillary murdered Vince Foster with her bare hands!

Fact: Now and then, Hillary talks to Eleanor Roosevelt!

Congratulations to the Grammy-winning Yankee-rooter Hillary, the only member of both the National Women’s Hall of Fame and AHOY!

35. Jennifer Wilbanks Chicken Run 40 Points

2006-01-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

Fact: While Jennifer was doing Vegas, her hometown spent $40,00 to $60,000 on her search!

Fact: After she finally phoned home from a 7-Eleven in Albuquerque, Jennifer’s family thanked the news media for getting through to the "kidnappers."

Fact: Jennifer inspired a "Runaway Bride" action figure!

Fact: This is Jennifer' first AHOY!

Congratulations, Jen, on your "runaway" AHOY success! Good luck with probation!

36. Rafael Palmeiro Good perjury always beats good hitting 38 Points

2006-01-16T16:32:00.000-05:00

Fact: Slugger Jose Canseco says he used to personally inject steroids into Raffy’s butt!

Fact: After his suspension last summer, Raffy wore earplugs to lessen the sound of booing. In Toronto, he covered the plugs with tape!

Fact: When Raffy was endorsing Viagra, he stressed that he really uses it and wasn’t just saying stuff for money!

Congratulations, Raffy! Not only has Congress decided not to charge you with perjury, but you’re a member of the AHOY Championship team!

37. Randy "Duke" Cunningham Yacht Rock 37 Points

2006-01-16T15:34:00.000-05:00

Fact: Over his 15 years in Congress, Randy earned $2.4 million in bribes!

Fact: In 1996, four months after Randy ripped federal judges for being soft on drugs, his son Todd was caught with 400 pounds of marijuana!

Fact: The ladies say Randy liked to invite them aboard his yacht, put on his pajama bottoms and chill champagne by the light of a lava lamp!

You’re randy, Randy! AHOY, and welcome to your new ship!

38. Katie Couric Edward R. Murrow: The Next Generation 35 Points

2006-01-16T13:25:00.000-05:00

Fact: Katie is 5' 4"!

Fact: Katie portrayed a prison guard in the Austin Powers movie Goldmember!

Fact: In 1999, Katie anchored the NBC News investigation, Harry Potter: Behind the Magic!

Good night and good luck, Katie! And deduct 10 points from Griffindor!

39. Jessica Simpson Duchess Of Hazzard 33 Points

2006-01-16T13:24:00.000-05:00

Fact: At 12, Jessica tried out for the Mickey Mouse Club!

Fact: Jessica has obtained her G.E.D!

Fact: Jessica began her singing career with the Christian Youth Conference!

Congrats, Jessica, on ascending to the A-List!

40. I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby Veep Throat 27 Points

2006-01-16T13:23:00.000-05:00

Fact: While a student at Yale, Scooter's professor was Paul Wolfowicz!

Fact: Don't ask Scooter what the I stands for. He won't say! (Hint: It’s not "Indicted?")

Fact: Scooter penned a 1996 novel, The Apprentice, featuring graphic passages about pedophilia, bestiality, rape and incest!

Fact? Some say Scooter got his nickname due to his resemblance to Yankee legend Phil Rizzuto!

Holy Cow, Scooter! And congratulations on making the AHOY ballclub!

12 DAYS OF A.H.O.Y.

2006-01-09T19:40:00.000-05:00

Who Are The Bottom 40?
The Answer Begins With An Indicted Politician.
It Will End With
YOUR 2005
ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR

"This is going to be the best A.H.O.Y. ever!"

12 DAYS • 1 BIGGEST ASSHOLE
THE NEW A.H.O.Y. ERA BEGINS
JANUARY 16

POLLS CLOSED! COUNTING, COUNTING, COUNTING...

2006-01-09T19:25:00.000-05:00

ARMED GUARDS SURROUNDING A.H.O.Y. BALLOT BOXES.

SOON, THE WORLD WILL KNOW THE A.H.O.Y. TOP 40.

STAY TUNED...

POLLS CLOSING AMID AHOY CHAOS!

2006-01-08T20:01:00.000-05:00

ENDLESS LINES IN OHIO.

SUICIDE BOMBS IN BAGHDAD.

CONFUSED RETIREES IN FLORIDA.

WHO WILL BE AHOY '05?

VOTE NOW. VOTE HERE. VOTE OR BE VOTED FOR.

EARLY EXIT POLLS SHOW AHOY CREAM RISING FAST

2005-12-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

ONE OF THESE OUTSTANDING INDIVIDUALS SOON SHALL WEAR THE MANTLE OF "ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR!"

YOU WILL DECIDE WHO GOES OUT FRONT... OR IN THE REAR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEET YOUR CURRENT TOP 40
(LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER)

Osama bin Laden / Barry Bonds
George W. Bush / Michael Brown
Dick Cheney / Ann Coulter
Katie Couric / Tom Cruise
Randy Cunningham / Tom DeLay
James Dobson / Theo Epstein
Jerry Falwell / Kevin Federline
Bill Frist / Alberto Gonzalez
Nancy Grace / Saddam Hussein
Michael Jackson / Scooter Libby
Rush Limbaugh / Judith Miller
Ray Nagrin / Robert Novak
Bill O'Reilly / Terrell Owens
Rafael Palmiero / Pope Benedict XVI
Dan Rather / Condoleezza Rice
Alex Rodriguez / Drew Rosenhause
Karl Rove / Jean Schmidt
Arnold Schwarzenegger / Ashlee Simpson
Jessica Simpson / Howard Stern
Bob Woodward / Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi

AHOY. BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN THE PART OF THE GLOBE THAT MOST NEEDS IT: THE BUTT.

What Is A.H.O.Y.?

2005-12-07T20:45:00.000-05:00

Asshole Of the Year.

Each year since 1974, voters around the globe have chosen the person who, more than any other, earned the name "Asshole."

Now, because you received an exclusive invitation or randomly stumbled onto this page, you can vote too!

Rank your top 10 choices. Your first-place asshole gets 10 points, your second place 9, and so on.

We've given you some suggestions in the entry below. But don't limit yourself to those names.

Post your ballot in the comments section. Famous names only; no voting for your boss.

We'll do the rest.

Check back for updates as the assholectorate decides who will earn the rank...

A.H.O.Y. '05!

For Your Consideration...

2005-12-07T20:34:00.000-05:00

50 Cent. Paula Abdul. Jack Abramoff. Ben Affleck. Mitch Albom. Halle Berry. Bo Bice. Joe Biden. Tony Blair. Robert Blake. Wolf Blitzer. Osama bin Laden. Gov. Kathleen Blanco. Mayor Michael Bloomberg. John Bolton, Barry Bonds. Bono. Camilla Parker Bowles. Kevin Brown. Michael “Heckuva Job” Brown. Kobe Bryant. Billy Bush. George W. Bush. Jeb Bush. Laura Bush. Jack Cafferty. Jose Canseco. Mariah Carey. Tucker Carlson. Jim Carrey. Ahmed Chalabi. Dick Cheney. Lynne Cheney. Hillary Clinton. Stephen Colbert. Alan Combs. Victor Conte. Anderson Cooper. Ann Coulter. Katie Couric. Simon Cowell. Michael Crighton. Russell Crowe. Tom Cruise. Randy “Duke” Cunningham. Howard Dean. Tom DeLay. Maureen Dowd. Matt Drudge. Bob Dylan. Eminem. Theo Epstein. Jerry Falwell. Dakota Fanning. Kevin Federline. Donald Fehr. Jane Fonda. Patrick Fitzgerald. Al Franken. Thomas Friedman. Bill Frist. Jeff Gannon/Guckert. Janeane Garofalo. Bill Gates. Gary Glitter. Nancy Grace. Sean Hannity. Katherine Harris. Dennis Hastert. Paris Hilton. Christopher Hitchens. Katie Holmes. Arianna Huffington. Saddam Hussein. Don Imus. Laura Ingraham. Michael Irvin. Michael Jackson. Jared from Subway. Peter Jennings. Steven Jobs. Wynonna Judd. John Kerry. Randy Johnson. Star Jones. R. Kelly. Kim Jong Il. Larry King. Ted Koppel. Ashton Kutcher. Nick Lachey. Frank Lautenberg. Stan Lee. Jay Leno. David Letterman. Jerry Lewis. Scooter Libby. Joe Lieberman. Lil' Kim. Rush Limbaugh. Jennifer Lopez. George Lucas. Madonna. Michelle Malkin. Chris Matthews. John McCain. Scott McClellan. Mark McGwire. Ken Mehlman, Harriet Miers. Dennis Miller. Judith Miller. Les Moonves. Demi Moore. Dick Morris. Rupert Murdoch. John Murtha. Mayor Ray Nagin. Gail Norton. Barack Obama. Ashley Olsen. Mary Kate Olsen. Bill O’Reilly. Terrell Owens. Rafael Palmeiro. George Pataki. Danica Patrick. Nancy Pelosi. Dr. Phil. Regis Philbin. Valerie Plame. Pope John Paul II. Pope Benedict XVI. Vladimir Putin. Manny Ramirez. Dan Rather. Ralph Reed. Harry Reid. Tara Reid. William Rehnquist. Condolleeza Rice. Nicole Richie. Geraldo Rivera. Jullia Roberts. John Roberts Jr. Alex Rodriguez. Kenny Rogers (the ballplayer). Pete Rose. Pete Rose, Jr. Karl Rove. JK Rowling. Donald Rumsfeld. Tim Russert. William Safire. Rick Santorum. Michael Scanlon. Michael Schiavo. Terri Schiavo. Representative Jean Schmidt. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ryan Seacrest. Bud Selig. Ariel Sharon. William Shatner. Cindy Sheehan. Ashlee Simpson. Jessica Simpson. Britney Spears. Howard Stern. Ted Stevens. Jon Stewart. Martha Stewart. Cal Thomas. Charlize Theron. Hunter S. Thompson. Donald Trump. Mike Tyson. Carrie Underwood. Kanye West. Jennifer Wilbanks. George Will. Armstrong Williams. Brian Williams. Owen Wilson. Oprah Winfrey. Tom Wolfe. Paul Wolfowitz. Bob Woodward. Paula Zahn. Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. Did we leave someone out? Let us know in the comments.

Bill O'Reilly Waits On Your Table

2005-02-08T17:13:00.000-05:00

Hello, and welcome to the AHOY 05 Grille, “the home of fare that’s balanced.”

I’m Bill, your humble server, and this is my No-Spill Zone.

As for tonight’s menu: I recite, you decide!

Our special is meatloaf, not to be confused with the fat, moronic singer, of whom I offer no opinion. It comes with your choice of potato: mashed, baked or freedom-fried.

Here at AHOY, we don’t do rice pilaf. You want pilaf? GO TO HELL! The U.S. Constitution gives you the right to eat like a pansy, but as far as I’m concerned, if you want rice pilaf, you’re some quasi-socialistic, National Public Radio nutcase, and frankly, Tinkerbell, you make me puke. You know who’d order rice pilaf? Al Franken. Guy thinks he’s funny. Hates the United States of America. One of these days, he’s gonna get a knock on the door. End of problem. You want pilaf, OUT, GET OUT, NOW! BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT!

Don’t me wrong. Here at AHOY, the customer is always right, unless she's some lying, left-wing shakedown tramp. I’m talking about the most evil woman that ever lived, worse than what I've met in the back rooms of Thailand sex clubs. Great boobs, though. She comes to work here wants a peek at the menu. So I suggest a hot shower in my hotel room, where I’ll rub her with a Middle Eastern lunch menu treat until her nipples stand out like Catholic priests at a Kerry rally, and she bolts to a lawyer. Good riddance.

Now, I’m not pushing the meatloaf, merely because it’s the Special. I don’t play that game. I’m no AHOY toady. I judge every Special on its merits. I opposed the gorgonzola-filled ravioli. I opposed the eggplant au gratin. I can play you the tapes. I refuse to serve the free-range chicken. As far as I’m concerned, America treats chickens the way they deserve to be treated: LIKE CHICKENS. Fact is, you can be kind to poultry. It doesn’t matter. They still hate us. All our meats hate us. Cows, pigs, veal… despite everything we do for them, they hate us. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t favor torture camps. I just say, “OK, Clucky. You hate me? Fine. I’m gonna eat you.”

Whoa! Will you shut up and let me make a point? Yeah, I am pro-meatloaf. I’m proud to support this meatloaf. At the lefty palaces, they serve “medallions of sun-dried tomato on beds of mixed greens.” What the hell is a sun-dried tomato? It’s a tomato that some pinhead left out in the field. You want tomato with your meatloaf? Pour ketchup on it!

All right. What’ll it be? What’d you say? “Falafel?” That’s it! OUT! We’re done here. JOHNNY, CUT HIS NAPKIN!